The sympathy note that goes along with a floral arrangement or one that you write in a sympathy card you send in the mail has one simple rule, says the Emily Post Institute: Say what you truly feel.
Many of us are afraid we’re going to say the wrong thing. “Who knows what to say when someone dies? Often, not knowing what to say, we put off writing the note and eventually don’t say anything. The intention to write is there,” but knowing what to say “isn’t easy or obvious,” says author Kathleen Buckstaff.
Reaching Out Means A Lot
Expressing yourself in a sympathy card can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but reaching out in this way to the loved ones of the deceased will mean more than you’ll probably ever know and help them in their grieving process. Our first instinct may be to stay away and that response is the “opposite of what most people need,” says Buckstaff. “An act of kindness is enough. A few sentences are enough.”
Silence from friends can hurt, says Buckstaff. “It is far better for friends to say something to someone who is grieving than to not say anything. Reaching out…is important to do, even if it feels awkward, even if you don’t know what to say.” Even if your message is short, “The simple act of sending the card lets your recipient know you care,” says the greeting card company Hallmark. “You can absolutely be brief and still come across as warm and caring.”
Where to Begin
Find a quiet place to sit down for a few minutes and reflect on the person who has died, as well as the person you’re sending the note to. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable, says Buckstaff, who makes tea and finds some chocolate when she’s facing this task. Then, write what you feel on the sympathy card. Include something about the person who has died if you knew them, or included offers to help.
For example:
Is there something you appreciated about the deceased? “Jane was always so positive, and she will be greatly missed,” or “Bob always had a kind word to say.”
Is there something he/she did for you or that you participated in together? “I’ll always remember the time Tom and I went to Daytona after graduation.”
Offer to help. “Thinking of you. I’ll stop by the house Thursday to bring dinner” or “I’ll babysit the kids Monday.”
If you can’t think of anything, a single sincere line is really all you need to write. A simple, “We love you and are here for you any time for anything.” Or just “Thinking of you.”
When to Use Humor
If appropriate to the deceased, you can use humor carefully, depending on your relationship with the surviving loved ones. Excellent examples of humorous cards can be found at emandfriends.com.
One such card: “I wish I could take away your pain. Or at least take away the people who compare it to when their hamster died.” McDowell writes, “When your spouse or child or friend or parent has died, it is never, ever helpful to hear this kind of comparison,” and someone close to you who has experienced this will appreciate this type of card. Here are some other suggestions:
Try these Suggestions
I am so sorry for your loss.
I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
My favorite memory of your loved one is…
I am always just a phone call away.
Five other things you can say to someone who’s grieving.
With sympathy
With deepest sympathy
With heartfelt sympathy
With caring
With love at this sad time
Sharing your sadness
Thinking of you
God bless
Lifting you up in prayer
My sincere condolences
What You to Avoid Saying
Sometimes things we write might make the recipient feel worse or even minimize what they are feeling simply because we are trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation to lessen the impact it has on us. Remember, get comfortable with being uncomfortable. This isn’t about you, but about the loved one of the deceased. Some things to avoid writing (check out our other tips on what to say to someone who’s suffered a loss here):
“I know how you feel.” You don’t really know how anyone else feels. Everyone handles grief and emotions differently, even if you’ve had a similar experience.
Avoid focusing on the pain of the loss or the manner of death. You may be tempted to write, “What a terrible tragedy” or “What a terrible loss.” Focus instead on the positive things about the person who died.
“You should make sure you get out of the house” or “you should” anything. Offer comfort and support, not advice.
“You will really feel sad for a few months and then start to feel better” or “the holidays will feel the hardest for you.” Don’t predict how their journey through grief will go. Yes, it’s true there are five stages of grief, but we all go through them at a different pace and in different ways for different reasons.
When to Send It
A sympathy card can be included with flowers or plants you send to the visitation or funeral service, in a separate card, or both. Ideally, a sympathy card should be sent within the first two weeks after a death, but sending one week, months, or a year after a death is acceptable, too. Offering support on birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries will probably come when extra support is needed. Examples:
“It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year since we said goodbye to Mary. Letting you know I’m thinking about you.”
“I know Christmas won’t be the same without your dad. You’re in my thoughts and prayers, especially through the holidays.”
Suppose you are usually in touch with a person via email. In that case, it’s okay to send written condolences by email, but follow up with a handwritten note immediately afterward, says the Emily Post Institute.
Read more about how times have changed in terms of texting, but etiquette remains the same.
No matter how you send your condolence, know that the person receiving it will appreciate it if your message is honest, sincere, and from the heart.
by Carrie Phelps, Sunset Contributor
